On victim mentality

There is often a completely logical and very understandable trigger behind a victim mentality. Something bad happens, and it has a traumatizing effect. It is only natural to be out of sorts and angry, and go through many kinds of emotions, if one experiences something harmful. It is perfectly acceptable and normal to feel crushed for instance after receiving an injury that takes one’s ability to walk. It is human—not yet victim mentality. The limitations are very true and real, and to make light of them would be cruel and nasty. Drawing the line is challenging, it’s cultural and subjective, and I ask you to read this text with the assumption that my intentions are good, and that I’m genuinely only referring to the things a person could actually affect. I’m not trying to mobilize a paraplegic or tell a depressed person to cheer up; I’m trying to get you to think if there still is something more you could do in order to be happier.

So, emotional reactions, as well as prolonged grief after a crisis in life, are normal. The shift towards a victim mentality takes place when this condition persists, and one’s attitude towards life crystallizes into the words “There’s nothing I can do, because life and other people.”

Many have a searing thirst for spirituality, for the healing of mental pain, and for good pointers, but opportunities to set things right are sadly often let pass by, because people are so focused on feeling sorry for themselves. It feels easier to put the blame on someone else than to think what one could do oneself to mend the situation.

It is typical that if one suggests a solution to someone with a victim mentality, nothing seems to suffice. Pointing out the issue may cause a furious adverse reaction, as the tired and stressed individual feels deadlocked. Occasionally, sympathy from the environment feeds the victim mentality enough to make, for instance, a bad health a strong part of one’s identity. Staying put is easier than moving, and getting stuck in the old is easier than a process of change. In change, one is forced to face also one’s own negative qualities in an unsparing way, which can feel frightening. It is a stinging blow to our identity to face our flaws eye to eye. And exactly this blow would be so healthy and advantageous!

I myself have been a victimist in many aspects of life. Of all the things I’ve rid myself of to enable change, victim mentality has been one of the most important. Victim mentality is a paralyzer that both poisons the victimist and robs the people around them of air. My own victim mentality had been really difficult for me to recognize and even more difficult to admit. Having observed the people around me, I would contend that I’m not alone with this experience. Hence, while reflecting on your own victimhood, be gentle towards yourself. The subject is not easy, and it’s perfectly all right to go through one’s various defense mechanisms before any conclusive findings. Also remember that the phenomenon is very common and occurs because of your mind speaking to you and protecting you from further negative experiences. Or at least trying to. For usually, the victimist eventually becomes attuned to see mostly the negative, and in their paralyzed state does not accumulate experiences of positivity. A vicious cycle of unhappiness is guaranteed.

Victim mentality has several forms. There are more personal things, but also social forms of group victimism. One form of victim mentality I have often encountered, for example, is blaming others for one’s own poor finances. I’m Finnish, and my home country easily counts among the world’s wealthiest. We have gone through poverty as well, but the situation is thoroughly dissimilar to, say, the 19th century. Our system is built so that anyone actively and unpromptedly seeking assistance will get it. Occasionally very strenuously and by beating one’s head against the wall—but that’s significantly more than in many other states. But this is exactly where the stumbling block lies. When even free support requires the level of activity of providing one’s details and proving one’s situation to the authorities, the frustration and fatigue get one to criticize the system. We are so used to getting things on a gold platter that we forget there could as well be no platter at all. I have been in that situation myself and complained in the same manner. And now I’m aware that I was a bit silly. Understandably of course, but silly all the same.

Once upon a time, I had a discussion with someone close to me about their financial situation. They were a student, but living in Finland, were receiving a study grant and entitled to a government-guaranteed student loan. One day they were angrily expounding on their money situation, because they were unable to attend a hobby event due to a lack of funds. “We students are poor, because politicians are stealing other people’s money! This is wrong! Politicians should have their money taken away!”, they raged with all their fire.

“Have you taken a student loan?”, I asked.
“I haven’t.”
“Why not? It’s a really good add-on, and would help you immediately.”
“Mother said it’s not a good idea to take a loan.”
“Your mother… And which politician has stolen your money?”
“I don’t know…”
“In Finland, politicians work pretty long hours, represent the people, and all the while subject themselves to the abuse of others. They are in public office. That’s why they earn a lot.”
“Yes but students receive way too little money, because it all goes to the politicians!”
“All of it, really?”
“No…”
“They receive a salary. Is that stealing?”
“I suppose not…”
“If you worked a lot and earned a lot, what would you think? Would you then want to give your money away to students?”
“(Silence.)”
“How about you take that student loan?”
“I suppose I should…”

When you cast an eye over true poverty and look at the news photos of bloated bellies or orphaned children rummaging through garbage for food, it makes the demands of those with low incomes in welfare states that others should give them the fruits of their labour, and if they don’t, they are shit, occasionally feel slightly absurd. Since the situation in Finland actually is really good in comparison with many other countries, but also because Finnish people love to fight for social justice (which I consider a very good thing, and a necessity for the development of welfare!), the lowest income decile has become the definition of poverty. Usually even this lowest income decile have a roof over their heads.

This does not mean things should not be improved. It does not mean those with low incomes don’t have it difficult and miserable, the price level being high. Hardship is certainly still experienced by many, and I myself remember well the times when my daily food money was 90 cents (if I didn’t top up my travel card). And yes, I also played the victim and blamed my tiredness on a nutrient-deficient diet as I slurped up instant noodles—and at the same time I admit I was too lazy to prepare healthy, affordable food. And too proud to ask for help, and too conflicted to fetch a food aid bag. Because “that food bag should be fetched early in the morning”. If you really are dying of hunger, I think that butt moves over to that food aid line quite efficiently, even in the small hours if need be.

I still understand so well, why this is hard. I understand the tiredness, I understand illness. I understand our chemistries work in insidious ways. I understand how much it hurts having to struggle each day when there is no end in sight. The difference comes from whether one places the blame for the situation on the rest of the world. I used my tiredness and the sordidness of the world as an excuse to not doing much about it. And I didn’t dare to ask for a raise after receiving one rejection. It was defeating. And I wasn’t nearly as well acquainted with my fickle mind as I am now. Instead of learning better ways to ask for a raise, I got stuck in the idea that I apparently just don’t deserve better. Thinking this way, I created a label in my reality: “I don’t deserve more money. Therefore it’s useless to even try.”

This label was all my own creation.

So, much remains to be done when it comes to welfare. But what I’m after is ending the unjustified blaming of others—and pulling one’s own weight in life. If a person’s survival is really at stake, they will also do anything and everything to survive.

Another common form of victim mentality is to blame not doing as well as one could on the good fortune of others. It is true that there are privileged people in the world, and this privilege should be examined on the appropriate scale. But justifying one’s own unfavourable condition with the privilege of another is perhaps one of the most toxic forms of victim mentality. Besides, you cannot know what the background of the other person holds.

One time, I lashed out publicly in a certain conflict situation. I defended the attack, because I considered it okay to call out bad behaviour. My friend decided to mediate the conflict and, to my surprise, directed their criticism at me, arguing that I must understand this person is having a difficult time, and take back my words. That I must understand because I’m a trendsetter and I hold authority, and therefore can’t publicly lash out like that. I must understand and tolerate, because I’m privileged. I must understand, because this person was suffering from an illness and was destitute. That this person could not have as many opportunities to go and do as I did, and they could never get the things I could.

…At that time I was holding back tears in intense endometriosis pains, suffering from severe depression and, unknowingly, from intense trauma symptoms. Not to mention the ten thousand or so in debts that had me constantly stressing about when I’d end up in distraint.

I didn’t exactly feel terribly privileged.

However, the moment was extremely important, because it gave me an insight into victimism, privilege, and my own internal strength. Despite all my mental and physical pains, I had something that had never been quenched. Even in the darkest moments of my life, I heard people referring to “that something” inside me. Some called it a “glow”, others a “sparkle”. Yet others spoke of a magical passion, some had even pondered over my pheromones. My mentor spoke of the touch of Lempo. I had repeatedly been asked the question “What are you?” At that time I had yet to come up with the term Prefulge.

It’s not that I’m not aware of what true privilege means. I fully acknowledge that some have been dealt more cards to begin with. But then there are those who learn to read other people and to have discussions with them to negotiate for cards. There are those who learn the strategy by heart to make it in the game, and those who cunningly manage to end the game with more cards than anyone else in the table. They haven’t quit the game at the outset just because they started off with a bad hand. “Yeah you know guys, this ain’t gonna work, I have such a shitty hand. You play without me, I’ll go sulk in the corner.”

No one should get into the mentality that one’s own work effort and success are things to be apologized for. That makes no sense at all! It’s one thing to be grateful and acknowledge one’s privilege, and another to have to feel bad for working hard for one’s success. In addition, one shouldn’t take bad behaviour from anyone just because one is doing better. And nobody should tolerate your bad behaviour if they are doing better than you. We can understand another’s reasons, but there is no need to accept malice.

Never, ever justify your own discontent and lack of effort by someone else’s privilege. Your final success in life isn’t determined by some George-Bertina from Backwatersby having inherited their parents while you have not. That you’re marginalized doesn’t mean that “so, this is what my life is, and it’s other people’s fault, so there’s no use doing anything“. It’s different to find that one has been discriminated against in e.g. a negotiating table for being a woman—than to explain one’s entire limited career development by being a woman. Certain things can impede your actions, but they are not an insurmountable obstacle. On the contrary: An individual who has just gone through pain is strong, for they can appreciate moments of success and aspire upward. During this journey of ascension, they will learn more than anyone born with a golden spoon in their mouth.

Privileged or not, there’s always work behind success. Writing off success as a result of privilege is highly offensive and trivializes the great amount of work put in by the achiever. It’s a spit in the face of effort, and at worst devalues something really delicate and personal. How would it feel if you came down with MS, and after a couple of years of battling, numerous hours of physiotherapy, unsuccessful medication trials, scary attacks, and uncertainty, you would get up on your feet and walk over to the corner store for the first time, and then someone came and told you that your achievement is of no value, since you are white, cis, straight, and live in a welfare state and have received treatment for these reasons? It’s one thing to recognize and be grateful for one’s privilege, and another to victimize oneself and belittle someone else’s achievements based on how they began their life.