How to deal with coworkers’ envy – Ask Luminary

It would be easy for me to just support and validate your feeling and tell you that co-workers are stoopid and shouldn’t be cared for, but things are rarely so one-sided or simple like that. 🙂 I don’t think it would really serve you to just get a one-sided perspective.

Instead, I’d like to encourage you to find out what do your colleagues want. Sit in their position for a moment and think about where that anger really stems from. For example, did you get something that they desperately wanted? Supervisor’s attention? Position? Recognition? If one has been stuck in the same position for a long time, they can certainly feel bad when a newcomer suddenly climbs the latter over them. Even though that should not be your problem, identifying the sources of this bitterness will help. When you know what your co-workers want, you can help dispel this born image of you as some kind of “enemy”.

However, if you also feel insecure about yourself and that you do not have the needed skills yet, it might be that the reaction of the co-workers is also very much understandable. That is a connection point in your reality vs their reality. If it indeed is so that you don’t yet have the needed skills, it may be that co-workers find the situation unfair. That may raise questions about why exactly did you get the position, and if they don’t know the answer, their mind starts to fill the gaps with their self-made explanations.

One reason for the negative emotions is if some of the colleagues have tried to achieve the position for years, and suddenly a rookie gets it right in front of their nose. Feeling bad about it is quite understandable, and truly human. When you feel that you did your best, but you failed to get what you want, seeing someone else reaching your goal can arise a raging inner pain of failure that can then emerge as anger and bitterness. When people are angry, it is harder for them to see your reality, as they have their walls up. And as long as you have your walls up, they will have theirs, too.

I was wondering if you could somehow close that gap between you and your colleagues? I would invite one of the group to sit with you to have coffee or wine. If you can invite the person to your territory, even better. By allowing them to enter your space, you make yourself more vulnerable and thus, more human. And when that connection is successfully formed, it is easier for the angry colleague to see you as a feeling person, instead of a rival. If I were in the role of your colleagues, it could help me to hear that you know where you stand, too. That even if you don’t have the skills, you most certainly are not ignorant or naive about it. It is okay to say it out loud that you know that you don’t maybe have everything it takes just yet – and that you are afraid – but also that you promise to do your best to improve, and in order to do that, you need their help. People tend to have a juicy little weak point about being asked for their help, as it makes them feel important and validated. Asking for help in a respectful manner sends a message that their skills are also valued and appreciated. 

Make yourself an ally, not a rival. Show them how your career progress will also help them.

If you can connect with co-workers, that would be really ideal. If, on the other hand, it seems that this is not an option or you get no response from them, then I would set my foot on the ground, raise my head and mentally make it clear in my mind that I have earned this position, I trust my supervisor, and owning up this change can open the gates to a brighter future. If you screw up, own your mistake and fix it prominently and tell how you plan to improve. If you hide mistakes and others notice them, it only emphasizes the feeling of you as an impostor.

So, lift your chin up. Own your new position with pride. Know what you want and shift your focus into that direction. Try to make allies, and if you make any promises to them, always keep them. Be genuine. Tell yourself every day that you got this. You can do it.

But most of all, this is YOUR life. If someone has a problem with you and you feel like you’ve genuinely done everything that you can and are willing to do, without results – let go. There is a limit to everything. After a while, there is no use in wasting your time and energy on haters. You have other things to focus on, such as that new cool position!

The more you progress in your life, the more you will find that you are also gaining enemies. If I’ve learned something of my career as a Social Media persona and, well, a cult leader, haters will come. But that can be a really good sign; success does not come without jealousy. Only a neutral person causes no polarized feelings. And by pleasing everyone, you please no-one. 

Take the job. Improve. Make friends and allies. Do your very best and show everyone why you were chosen. And if they still can’t see you, cut their realities of your own, move forward, put all your energy into your own development – and let them be blinded by your radiance.